Recycled Grace: Forgiveness
“Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)
This verse is one of my favorites because it is a beautiful sentiment. I like the idea of people forgiving me through tenderhearted kindness. It alights my soul, and reminds me of mercy. Then, there’s the other side of this verse. The side where it is up to me to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving. That is not an easy task, especially for a justice warrior like myself. I am a rule follower, and when people don’t follow the rules, I want them to have consequences. This isn’t a bad thing, rule following, but it can become overly legalistic. Extreme legalism, following the law devoid of love, can get in the way of the commands in the verse above: be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving.
As a Christian, I believe it is crucial to live out my faith, to practice what I preach and not be a hypocrite… an actor wearing a mask. So, three years ago, when I was not practicing forgiveness, I knew I needed help. This was why I originally reached out to my amazing therapist. As I stated in my last blog, I needed help with forgiveness because I wanted to redeem relationships, specifically the relationship with myself. I read books, listened to podcasts, and plunged head first into therapy. Not only have I learned what true forgiveness is, I have also been reminded of what it is not.
Below, I’ve penned a list of what forgiveness is and what it is not. Hopefully, this list will help you come to terms with the first steps in this process. It will also act as a reminder for me because some times, okay often times, I need a refresher course.
Forgiveness is…
Releasing the Pain: When we hold onto our pain, we put unnecessary pressure onto our shoulders. It bogs us down and causes anxiety. In order to deal with these stressors, we must face our pain and release it. For Christians, we call this leaving it at the foot of the cross. We believe that Christ is the only one capable of withstanding this pressure. It crushes us, but it glorifies Him. This is why Christ says in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
A Process: Too often, people have rushed me through the process of forgiveness in order to suit their own personal needs; however, there is no timeline in the process of healing. Certainly, we can make the statement, I forgive you, and wholeheartedly mean it, but the trauma we have experienced cries out from the very marrow in our bones—”I am still hurt.” If you have a broken toe, you can forgive the wall for getting in your way, but you still have to heal from the break. As Lysa TerKeurst says in her new book, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, “My ability to heal cannot be conditional on them wanting my forgiveness but only on my willingness to give it.”
About Setting Healthy Boundaries: In the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud, the importance of setting clear and consistent boundaries is pivotal to forgiveness. This book helped me realize that the only good boundary I had was the one I kept. If I permit people to push aside my boundaries, it is only because I allow my boundaries to be ignored. Boundaries are like fences or gates around your house. You are responsible for allowing the people in that you want inside. Open the gate, or boundary, when you want… not when someone else demands it.
Forgiveness is NOT…
Reconciliation: Too often people confuse forgiveness with absolution. As a new Christian, I thought I had to forgive people and reconcile with them, but my pastor, Matt Brown of Sandals Church, made it perfectly clear: forgiveness and reconciliation are not synonymous. Yes, as a Christian, I am required to forgive, but that in no way means I must have a relationship with my offender, especially if the perpetrator is toxic. Repentance is key to reconciliation, but not all people are capable of this kind of introspection.
Forced: When I was a new mother, I used to force my children to apologize and forgive one another. I believed this was the right way to solve their disagreements. As a more mature mother, a nice way of calling myself old, I’ve had to apologize to my children for forcing this upon them. As I stated above, forgiveness is a process, and it is not one that should be rushed. Though I hate messes, and fighting is messy, apologies void of authenticity are worthless.
One and Done: I remember the day I forgave my father for the abuse I suffered as a child. I remember crying out to Jesus and laying the pain at his feet. I remember it all, until the next time he did something that infuriated me. Then, it was as if the forgiveness I had for him disappeared like some offensive magic trick—now, you see it… now, you don’t. After many years of questioning my faith, I’ve come to understand that forgiveness is something I must offer up on a daily basis. So, whenever resentment reappears in my heart, I recognize it and forgive all over again. As long as I have breath within me, I have the ability to forgive.
In closing, I hope you find space in your life for forgiveness. Though it is not an easy process, it is a necessary one. With forgiveness, you can learn to find peace. With peace, you can find contentment. With contentment, you can find joy. In the end, a life lived with the abundance of joy is a life well lived.
