Saying Goodbye

My dad died a few days ago: three to be exact. It’s so surreal to write that let alone for it to be my reality. To be honest, I’m a bag of mixed emotions. My dad and I did not have a smooth and steady relationship, and more often than naught, he and I were estranged. So, how do I say goodbye to a relationship that was already flawed? Honestly, that’s been the number one question stomping around my brain, and I’m not entirely sure.

As I reflect on this past year, I realize the boundaries I put in place actually helped my dad and I have a relationship. My phone calls with him were genuine because I tried to never talk to him out of obligation. This meant only answering the phone, or calling him back, when I wanted to. There were many times I didn’t want to. But on those days when I picked up the phone, on those days when I truly wanted to hear his voice, my dad and I had the best conversations. We laughed, cried, and forgave. It was amazing.

This year, my therapist had me focus on quality over quantity, and Lord, how that has helped me see the big picture. My last year with my dad was filled with quality, and I am beyond grateful for that. Counseling works. Who’d have thunk it?

My dad died three days ago. He was supposed to come home on hospice at 4:00 PM on the 23rd, two days after his birthday. Instead, he died at exactly 4:00 PM. He died without our family by his side, but I do not for one second believe he died alone. He had our savior by his side. He had the memories of our family holding him up. And… he had the echos from our phone calls over this past year: I love you, Dad. I forgive you, Dad. Forgive yourself, Dad. This is not the end, Dad. I will see you again, Dad.

I hold onto the power of healthy boundaries. I hold onto the power of forgiveness. I hold onto the power of again. I hold onto the power of eternity. I just hold on.