When in Doubt…
There are so many reasons I fail as a Christian. I am loud and boastful. Oftentimes, I sound more like a sailor than a saint. I’m prideful, spiteful, judgemental, and that’s just a typical Monday. Most of all, though, I struggle with doubt. I doubt that God is good. I doubt His plan for my life. I doubt that I am saved. I doubt His love for me, especially since I struggle to love myself. I doubt EVERYTHING.
Lately, I’ve been focusing on the root cause of my doubt, and shocker of the world, I had to deal with some truths that were difficult to face. Below, I will share a couple of these with you, and hopefully by the end of this post, we will come to some kind of conclusion. Most likely it will not be a clear cut answer. That’s not how growth works. Though, it may lead to a starting point. A new direction, so to speak, or the first step of a staircase, like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous quote: “Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”
Help Me Overcome My Unbelief
Have you ever heard the story about the father who asks Jesus to help his ailing son in the gospel of Mark chapter nine verses 14-29? The father seeks out Jesus and asks him to heal his son from petrifying episodes where the boy (I assume he is a boy and not a man) foams at the mouth, goes rigid, gnashes his teeth, and is mute. I am not a doctor, nor am I a theologian, but I assume whatever was vexing this boy was terrifying. As a mother, I would feel helpless. I would want answers, and ultimately, I would want complete healing for my son.
I’m not sharing this story because of the miracle Jesus does for this father, though it is rather spectacular. I share this story because of something the father cries out to Jesus. His doubt in Jesus is apparent, so much so that Jesus points it out, but it is his response to Jesus that I repeat to myself whenever I’m stuck in doubt: “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”
This father knew his shortcomings. This father knew he struggled with faith. But… this father also knew where to go in times of uncertainty. He turned to someone greater than him. He asked for a miracle, and even in his doubt, even in his faithlessness, he longed to believe. Isn’t that how we all are at times: in need of a savior but jaded by the many times we have been let down?
Discouragement
Doubt tends to rear its ugly little head in times of discouragement: I didn’t get the book deal, someone I love gets sick, or worse, dies, and countless other setbacks. Doubt storms in like Thor: filled with pomp and bravado ready to bring the storm. Regardless of the truth I have poured into my soul (this is only a season, you’ve gotten through worse, it’s not always going to be like this), I tend to believe the lies running a marathon in my mind (this is going to last forever, this will end me, I can’t endure it). Sound familiar?
The only solution that pulls me out of my funk is to continue fixating on the times when things have worked out. I got the job I wanted. I landed that incredible literary agent. People are reading my blogs. My children come to me for wisdom. These are the bread and butter that sustain me when doubt threatens to starve me of joy. It’s a choice, really, to believe. Just as it’s a choice to stay in unbelief. One will kill your spirit, and the other will make you thrive.
So, which choice will you make, Dear Reader? Will you be like the father of the ailing son in Mark 9? Will you see your unbelief and ask for help to believe? Or will you build a home and live in your despair? I, for one, am tired of that run down shack. It’s time for a change of scenery. It’s time to pack up and be on my way. It’s time to believe again.
