For Grandma Estrada

My grandmother is sick. She has skin cancer in her face and a tumor that is killing her. Just writing those words guts me because she is the closest thing to a mother I have ever known.

Grandma Estrada has dedicated her life to her family. She cooked us meals, kissed our pain away, held us on her lap, even when we were far too big to be held, and mended not only our clothes but our broken hearts, too. She has given the world’s best hugs, shared incredible wisdom, wiped away our tears, and laughed alongside us. She has propelled us forward with only a dream to our name and believed in the impossible for us. She is the rock I have depended upon for so long, a solid foundation I always thought would support me, and she is getting ready to leave us.

How do I let her go? How do I say goodbye to a woman who has given me so much of herself? I see her in the meals I cook for my family, in the words I speak to my students, and in the encouragement that pours from my heart because all of this is her. I am the woman I am because of the woman she is, and I am grateful. Grateful for each moment she sacrificed for me, for each whispered word of faith, for each time she dusted me off when I fell and told me to try again. Her life blesses me, and though she will never be famous, and most people will not know her name, I am forever changed because she existed.

My grandmother cleared the way for me to write. She kept every poem, breathed life into every sentence, and even came to my last book launch. She believes in me when I fail to believe in myself. She reminds me to, “Get it together, Ma… just pull it together.” Those were her most recent words to me. At first, I didn’t know what she meant, but I think she knows I haven’t believed in myself for a while. I have allowed my fears of failure to hold me back from being the great woman she knows I can be. I’ve let pain stop me. This year, I will change all of that.

I will live the best-damned life I can live. I will honor my body and get back into shape because I can. I will write more and dream more because that is who I am. When I am afraid, I will remember who paved the way for me and believed in me with every breath in her being. Even on the difficult days, I know I will get through because she did. She faced it all in love, and for that reason, I know she lived her best life possible.

I am honored to be my grandmother’s Molly B, her Ma. I wear these names with pride, knowing she will live on through every word I write. She will always be the whispered voice of encouragement in my head telling me to get up and get it done. Move that mountain one spoonful at a time. Look the problem square in the face and let it know it can’t break you. You are already a winner, Mija. Now, get it together… pull it together, Ma.

I promise you, Mom, I will.